I am tried of giving people what they want..

So I won’t anymore. I have had quite a few conversations that go something like:

countryboy02210: hi
Mocha: ?
Mocha: what do you want?
countryboy02210: mind if i view
Mocha: yes I do.
countryboy02210: ok
Mocha: I also mind that you are messaging me. Please don’t bother me again.
countryboy02210: well fuck u then rude ass
Mocha: Fuck your self.. you would actually feel that. Fucking idiot.

I hate people who save your name for a cam show, or to just ‘talk’. People wonder why I am so mistrusting. Because from this end everyone wants something. Let me give you another case study:

innocent21: well I am saying it again

innocent21: and your eyes are beautiful as well

Mocha: thanks

Mocha: so what are you getting into today?

innocent21: yeah

innocent21: I dunno…I just took that re take test

innocent21: and i got an 88!!

innocent21: and i got my portfolio back with my lesson plans and I got an !

innocent21: A

Mocha: tight

innocent21: and I am driving home

Mocha: oh be careful

innocent21: I will Ive done this a thousand times no sweat

innocent21: what are you up to today

Mocha: not much.. waiting to hear from jobs.

innocent21: ah cool

innocent21: i hope u hear some good news

Mocha: me too

innocent21: do you have any new pics of you that arent on your blog or anything

innocent21: cause I think I have a few I could send you if you wanted to see

innocent21: I am at home now so I can send them

Mocha: I don’t share pics that aren’t for the public

Mocha: and you know I am not really all that visual

innocent21: ok thats fine I dont mean naked just so you know

innocent21: I guess I just thought you might wanna see a better pic of me is all or something

innocent21: but no big deal

Mocha: good I hate making a big deal. I know what you look like honey

innocent21: not what all of me looks like jk

Mocha:

Mocha: sigh..

innocent21: sorry trying to make a joke

Mocha: wasn’t funny

innocent21: I can see tha

innocent21: t

innocent21: I have a question…be honest

innocent21: I know you dont have any interest in chatting with me

innocent21: so why do you?

innocent21: why dont you jut ignore me or something

innocent21: you dont want me back in your life you say

Mocha: why don’t you just stop messaging me?

Mocha: are you compelled to do so as some form of torture.

innocent21: no because I love you and love talking to you

innocent21: I enjoy our conversastions

innocent21: I have missed them

Mocha: Did I suddenly cross your mind and you decided hey, let me see if i can make her ignore me again. push her into a corner and see what she does.

Mocha: Love isn’t selfish.

innocent21: I guess a part of me thinks you enjoy them too and thats why you havent ignored me

innocent21: I am not being selfish

innocent21: I am trying to be there for you

innocent21: be someone you can talk to

Mocha:  when I asked you to leave me be but you wouldn’t? what would you call it

innocent21: persistent

innocent21: is it too hard on you to ignore me?

Mocha: persistant is just what I asked you not to be.

Mocha: this is bordering stalking.

Mocha: is it so hard not to message me. so hard to leave me in peace?

innocent21: its just….I care for you

innocent21: and I thought maybe we would be able to begin a new

innocent21: I thought I honestly was getting through to you

innocent21: does it make you feel good to push me away and hurt me? just cause in your mind you can not have me?

innocent21: I mean I just do not get it

innocent21: I give up

innocent21: I have been nice to you and genuine

innocent21: I mean I care for you…I have no ulterior motive

Mocha: Does it feel good to hurt you? honestly, sometimes yeah. sometimes I do it just so that you will give me space. You are crowding me and you don’t care. You push me and I don’t want to be pushed.  You tell me things I don’t want to hear, and you don’t care that I don’t feel comfortable hearing them or that I am tired of hearing them. I want space and you won’t let me have it, fine I can talk to you but if you want me to lie to you and fake like it ok like I had been.. then fine. but isn’t the real me or how I feel. You want me to ignore you. I want you to stop.

innocent21: did you ever even enjoy talking to me?

Mocha: being nice to me isn’t something that owes you a free pass. I asked something simple of you. To be able to move on without you.. you don’t want me to, fine. Then I will move on dragging you behind. But don’t ever ask me to be nice about it.

Mocha: it hurts more than it heals

innocent21: did you ever enjoy talking to me?

innocent21: I guess its my fault for being so damn stupid…I thought being honest and genuine would count for something

innocent21: I thought we had something great

innocent21: and could turn it into a great friendship or what ever

Mocha: it rarely does. We did.. but past is past. I won’t resurrect it so that you feel good.

innocent21: but I have been a damn fool

innocent21: its not about that!

innocent21: its not about me

innocent21: its about you more than me

Mocha: then what is it about?

innocent21: its about me reading all the things you say on your blog

innocent21: and seeing how up and down life has been for you

innocent21: and wanting to reach out and offer support

Mocha: honey? Why are you trying so hard? I didn’t ask for your help? Never offer a woman help or advise she didn’t ask for. She will only resent you.

innocent21: I am trying cause I care for you

innocent21: and I have missed you

innocent21: and a part of me hoped you missed me too

innocent21: and we could not have our old relationship…but a new better one

innocent21: I just want to support you and be there for you so badly

innocent21: but yes…I do…well I wont say it but I do care for you and have feelings

innocent21: and….I am just a burden

innocent21: a stalker as you have said

innocent21: this hasnt gone like I thought it would

Mocha: No I don’t think it did.

innocent21: I wish I could just….I wish I had a mic or something I feel like I just cant say things right anymore

Mocha: sigh

innocent21: ok fine lets just do this the easy way then

innocent21: I know your tired of this

innocent21: I guess I just wont ever understand

innocent21: I am sorry for crowding you and I guess I opened up too much

innocent21: you will not ever be forgotten…for the good times

innocent21: and this is it…I realize talking to you is pointless it doesnt accomplish anything

innocent21: any last words?

Mocha: I don’t need to expound on my feelings on a subject to feel closure. I I just move on…everything else does. Have a good life hon.

innocent21: I wish that I believed you meant that

innocent21: the one thing I learned from you is you dont even care about me anymore

innocent21: you feel good about hurting me you see my words as meaningless

Mocha: sigh… I do. That is why I won’t do this.

innocent21: I dont get it

innocent21: you can have me as what ever you want you control that

innocent21: but I am hurt and very sad right now

innocent21: but keep in mind one thing I never once asked you anything sexual

innocent21: I never cared about any of that

innocent21: and I hope you miss me and think of me

innocent21: but I doubt it you will move on

innocent21: its hard for me to say goodbye as you can tell and I am sorry just a lot to say to you

Mocha: Let me ask you a question. Is your life better now that you have talked to me again?

innocent21: yes

Mocha: I am glad you think so honey.

innocent21: I know so

innocent21: you made me happy

innocent21: when we talked…and we didnt have this drama or this shit about not talking or hurting each other

innocent21: or not caring

innocent21: but when we just talked it was nice

Mocha: but I don’t make you happy now and it is up to you to make yourself happy. I won’t be that to someone again

Now for those that actually read all of that. You are quite long suffering. For those that want the short version… well I am not sure there is one. Basically, I this person I used to care for, could even argue that I loved wanted me back in their life. Now I am of the mind that if you have moved on and grown and developed without someone then it is best to continue to do so. Drudging up past issues, habits that you got rid of and of course past hurts does nothing for the people involved. But that is how I handled it, I might be wrong but I don’t want to be trapped into conversations where someone else is glad to be there and I am waiting till the end.

 

Mocha