I have no family
March 27, 2008
Not as much as sisters, or brothers or parents are concerned. The thin cord of tied life with a family died with my mother. She was the glue that held the five of us together. When she died I was left in a house full of strangers that I knew didn’t like me much. I am not my daddy’s child, I am only half sister to my sisters. My half brother isn’t even my brother. I don’t know anything about the other half of my family tree. My father abandoned me to the fate of familial ignorance. I have only rumors about who my father is. I don’t know if I have other siblings that could actually understand me.
I never felt like I belonged. I was always the one that was different. I knew my daddy thought I was a little off. My mother was afraid I actually was. My sisters clung to eat other and I was never really in that club. Which at the time was fine. They seemed emotionally stunted. They didn’t really make sense to me, the way they did things. Their feelings of being better than me. At least until I was 17 and found out that I wasn’t who I thought I was. I watch my mother forbid me to ask who my father really was. I never asked again but I have not been able to forgive her. I really want to. But she took to her grave a secret that was one of the reasons that kept me from having kids. I just couldn’t have kids and not know what kinda genetic history to tell them about. I would hate to have them only have my half sisters to count on if I am ever not there for them.
My dad and I don’t get along and a little of it is because I know that he isn’t my actual father. Not that he ever in the time that I was growing up made me feel like I wasn’t his. At least not till mama died. Except that last time he spanked me when I was 15. Saying that ‘I was good to you’. And me knowing that he couldn’t have treated me any different and have kept my mother all those years. It was like all the promises that he made to her were off because she had the gall to die on him. Leaving him with three teens to finish raising alone.
He still hasn’t forgiven her. I haven’t forgiven him for being a hypocrite in love and then telling me who I should be with. He says why can’t I find a good brother. I have never met one that was for me. And I have never wanted one. Truely. I know what I want and have always been able to get it. Why should I appease him and be in misery?
I didn’t help him finish raising my half sisters, they are not my kids. I didn’t owe him that. I deserved to be happy with my husband, to finish my education that I have always paid for myself. I deserved to do what I needed to do.
I have always been raised to be a strong and very willful woman. I am not the kind of woman a man with power issues needs to get involved with. I am not kind to the male ego. If you aren’t strong enough to stand on your own I will not be the woman that you can lean on to prop you up. Not because you are too weak a man to have ever done it on your own. You have to be a man on your own before you can be a man with me.
But I digress. The only family that has been there for me and continues to be there for me is my Urban one. Diverse, made up of friends, exs, current, internet only and me. Short, black, left handed me. It is a beautiful thing. These people accept me, horns and all, most of the time. But they don’t stifle me, they expect me to be me and know that is what I will always be. I treasure each of you for that.
Blood is thicker than water but you need both to live.
Mocha
If my mama had lived…
March 27, 2008
Missing the glue that held my family together. Mama, how is forever?
Mocha
P.S. half of all marriages end in divorce but the other half end in death… My opinion is that a lot of people end the marriage before the spouse dies because they are strong enough to live without them if they know that they are alive with out them.. instead of the other…what do you think? M.
And when I should be giving thanks…
March 27, 2008
I wonder if he thinks that because I am older and a little more mellow that I will be bullied into conforming to his thinking… yeah well he will drink a beer with his ass first. I think I will take me and my white boy fucking self away and really just forget them… it isn’t worth this.
Still not listening,
Mocha.
P.S. For those who know me and know this situation… thanks for being there for me when I was upset and in reading this… being there with me again. M.
Sigh…becareful what you ask for…
March 27, 2008
When you call on anyone, God or otherwise for help, be prepared to get it. I believe my mother is somewhere she can affect people well I know she is somewhere she can affect me. I never could just believe that all a person does when they die is just go to dust. The law of conservation of energy and matter says that can’t be totally true. For those who need a refresher: The Law of Conservation of Energy and Matter states that energy and matter cannot be created or destroyed, but can change its form. I think she can hear me, I think she watches and I think if I need her enough I can actually hear what it is she is trying to tell me. Oh and she had this thing for object lessons…
I posted something about dreams, what… yesterday? A well meaning friend said that dreams don’t mean anything. Well they do actually a lot of times we don’t like what they mean. Dreams are ways that your mind entertains itself when the rest of you isn’t doing anything. They are the place where you work shit out, try shit out and see the best and worst case situations.
I had a dream that I killed my middle sister, by accident. Now up until this dream I was sure I hated her and would kill her by accident if I had to spend too much time with her. Because she is that kind of person to instill that amount of rage in a person pretty instantly.
I felt so lost when I woke up. I realized that I dislike her quite intensely, but hate… for anything or anybody isn’t something that lives in my heart. The strength I asked for to see things clearly, to be strong enough to change what I can and be smart enough to know let go of what I can’t change and be wise enough to know the difference yeah I am was given it. I almost want to give it back. I know I am going to go and do my damndest to help my family. I won’t kill myself to do it… but I will help as best I can. I am typing with a clarity of mind that makes the idea of a drink to fuzz it out seem rather reasonable.
No I know better than to drink now, I will probably just cuddle closer to the people that love me.
Clear and clearly exhausted,
Mocha
Hell is where the Heart is…
March 27, 2008
Ok so you got a basic Idea.
So for the last 10 or so years since my mother passed away I have basicly been on my own with my man or husband. Making my own damn way and not asking, taking or suggesting any help from anyone that I couldn’t repay the kindness back to. My father disowned me and I left the house with the clothes on my back, literally. And other than a few mishaps of meeting, a graduation, a wedding (not mine) and some other general bullshit I have been living a fairly stress free life…without them. Because to be without them is to be free.
Sigh ok. My cousin is in the hospital with kidney failure and all manner of injuries because he was beat up pretty badly. My sisters are disasters and have basicly sucked my father dry. My father… has issues that span decades, no I won’t be more specific than that. And my stepmother, who I call my mother in law, is trying to recover from a bad knee job and not getting enough help because honestly emotionally my daddy doesn’t have it to give. I could help a little, with what I can. But…
i am afraid. i don’t want to get sucked in to that brand of misery, self loathing and general depression that comes from dealing with them, any of them. i know they are my flesh and blood but to be around them… i can’t be myself. i can’t be me. i have to be some socially acceptible robot that can sluff off insults, bullshit and … well you get the point.
Something else I realized… I hate my sisters. And not just a little bit. I am disappointed in them as human beings. I wonder if I am cutting the relative strangers from my life that contribute nothing to it because I won’t have room for them when I get sucked in…
It’s a theory.
To Hell and back again,
Mocha.
Fallen
March 27, 2008
Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I tried my best
But somewhere long the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
But the cost was so much more than I could bear
Though I’ve tried I’ve fallen
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don’t come round here and
Tell me I told you so
We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past can be undone
But we carry on our back, the burden
Time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It’s the bitter taste of losing everything
that I’ve held so dear…
I’ve fallen
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don’t come round here and
Tell me I told you so
Heaven bend to take my hand
I’ve nowhere left to turn
I’m lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarrassed
Pretend that they don’t see
But it’s one missed step you’ll slip before you know it
And there doesn’t seem a way to be redeemed
Though I’ve tried I’ve fallen
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don’t come round here and
Tell me I told you so
I messed up
Better I should know
So don’t come round here and
Tell me I told you so
One of my favorite sad songs. God I love it. Makes me think of mistakes I have made in love. Speaking of love… I miss my ex, though I think I am moving toward more missing him and not so much our relationship. Sigh..but it is a good thing. My current, I wish I were better able to be a good girlfriend. He says I am excellent, and I am like ok. But I spent a year being pissed off about where I live when I should have been grateful to have someone who supported me… even when I was being a bitch and a pain and a brat and god soooo homesick.
Actually I am still terribly home sick and lonely for my friends and those I know. But I am trying.. I really am. Damn this song is sad.
I remember when I moved out from the house, because I couldn’t figure out a way to get him to keep me. sigh. I moved into a little rat hole, don’t get me wrong, I loved it. But I was so poor, couldn’t hold down a decent job. Desperate for cash, no internet and no friendly people any where in my life. My love was gone and didn’t want me, I couldn’t really get to my friends and really didn’t know what to say to them when I could. My family mostly deserted me years ago. I was more alone than I ever had been in this life.
You know the chorus where she is singing,
Though I have tried, I fallen
I’ve sunk so low.
I would look up into that ten foot ceiling and curl around my phone talking to anyone who would talk to me and cry my heart out. I cried till I hiccuped to sleep. I thought about killing myself, I thought about how I was going to keep going. I thought about what I could do to try to make it. Then my current told me he would be there.. and he was. He basicly scooped me up out of that hole, gave me somewhere to lick my wounds and though it has taken this long I feel like I have a means to take care of myself.
Even in that hell I missed my ex, I miss him now but I would rather be friends with him than anything. Real friends, I want him to know that though I wasn’t the woman for him… that I was for a while and I would like to be a friend to him now.
To my current I want him to also know that I want to stay friends, and be loves for as long as he would have me. That life with him has been good, though hard and that giving me time to dig myself out of my deepest depression and despair was more than I could have asked for and the thing I needed. d
To everyone who was there or I have met or to those who cared for me at a distance… thanks. I may not say it often enough but real love and real friendship is something so very precious…
If you are lucky enough to have someone in your life, close or far away that can honestly say that they are there for you, thick and thin, better or worse and now till we can’t remember our own names.. well hell you are one lucky fucker.
One lucky fucker,
Mocha.
Did I ever cross your mind
March 27, 2008
Did I ever cross your mind
Anytime?
Do you ever wake up reaching out for me?
Do I ever cross your mind
Anytime?
I miss you.
Mmm thinking of the words of that song. Sigh. Yeah I still miss the ex. Sucks for me though.
Just trying to get back into the groove of blogging.
Lata
Mocha.
Mmm Satallite.
That song reminds of when my father was sick and I had to drive 25miles to the hospital after him to make sure he was ok. My mother was sick. I had just woken up from a codine induced stupor and well since I was the only child of driving age I took the car and while driving at speeds of excess of 80 odd miles an hour I got there and spent the next 10 hours dealing with doctors, soothing my father and trying to snatch some sleep.
It was a hard time in my life. Seeing both of my parents sick, being the eldest and having to be stronger than I thought I could be. Knowing the whole time that good deeds don’t go unpunished.
I am here smiling ruefully. I loved them the best I could. Mother, father, husbands, sisters… but rarely is it good enough. Doesn’t matter I guess. I think about my life so far. Though I haven’t done a lot of the things that I am trying to get done I know that I have done a lot.
M.
Thanks y’all
March 27, 2008
Even the Ex, thank you all for writing, calling me or just being there. I don’t know what I would do without the input. I know I am ‘walking the road less traveled’… but it does make all the difference.
Some of you object in my choice to be a bbw porn chick, some other’s of you know me better. And know that if I am going to do something, even fuck up that there is little that you can do about stopping me.
Thanks for letting me be enough,
Mocha
P.S. I wouldn’t trade one tear for the pain my lovers have caused, but I would take back the tears I have caused others. Love you all, yes…all of you.
I need a new Cam… sigh
March 27, 2008
So ok… my cam was about 2 years old. I know this because it is the last of the gifts my ex gave me for Christmas of the last year of our relationship. Now I am in a great relationship, with a great guy who loves me very much. I can’t believe I am thinking about that man I married, who I left because he didn’t want me anymore. Who made me feel like I wasn’t worthy of love, that because of feeling that way I almost missed out on finding love again. I am not even friends with that man…. over six years wasted… because we both made mistakes we could not forgive and didn’t try to fix. I don’t wish him ill and I hope he and Cider are all right. sigh.. I need a new cam.
On to other things. I have got to get laid more.. not that what I am getting isn’t good, it is great… I just need more. Damn I am a greedy ass. But really I have been thinking, dreaming, masturbating to the idea of more sex with more people.. preferably in large groups. Ok, I have been masturbating..*note to self, I need a new Brookstone TheraSpa back massager..for my err back* to the idea of gangbangs… and sex with aliens.. long story. But yeah gangbangs.. Am I a bad person? or just too horny for her own good? May be I need a playmate or 3, but what does a girl have to get laid by people she can still respect in the morning? I will have to think about it.
ok I will talk to y’all later.
Happy Valentines, may true love bite you in the ass and then at least put out.
