Funny things get said to me…

pantylover_6969: mmm, so sweet and brown, sista!
Mocha: ?
pantylover_6969: been awhile…
pantylover_6969: hi u doin?
pantylover_6969: so sweet and brown…
pantylover_6969: nice and thick and full figured…i
pantylover_6969: nice nigger bitch to slave in bed…
Mocha:
Mocha: man you really lost your mind didn’t you
pantylover_6969: no, i love big black ladies…
pantylover_6969: can’t lie..u ladies r easy to cum…
pantylover_6969: my ancestors mut’ve had a damn good time being in a position to cum into your huts and just taking the pussy….
Mocha: you are proud to have rapists in your family?
Mocha: whoa.. that is interesting
pantylover_6969: anytime they felt like it….
pantylover_6969: it was legal back then…was the law that u were their property….
Mocha: rape is rape no matter how you like it
Mocha: but whatever.
pantylover_6969: to be honest with u, i secretely think about that while i am banging a black chick.would of course never tell them that….
Mocha: you must hate being impotent. Not being able to act out your sexual aggression on people you precieve as weaker or less powerful than yourself
Mocha: sad really. Oh and by the way. Unless you actually owned those slaves. It was illegal to even rape them. Funny what kinds of things happened to poor white trash back then.
Mocha: bye
pantylover_6969: u don’t really buy into that logic, do u?…lol…sounds so canned….blacks kill me with eir self-loathing ways…
pantylover_6969: i would love to do u while u wear a red rag on your head///yummy that would be…

Why would someone spend their time hating on me? Sigh..

Mocha

Don’t read this if you are easily offended.

This will be minor Christianity bashing, so for all those who are sensitive to such blasphemous and heretical information should move onward. It is also going to be bashing women and men in general. This is a rant.

I have NEVER been ashamed of who and what I look like, or for that matter, who or what I am. Never. Not since I gained my woman’s form. I have always had attempts made, cheap shots and rude comments about how I am shaped no matter what size I was. It seems that men and women find it fascinating that a woman my current size can still have a waist. But that is neither here nor there… I want to talk about size, pompous posturing and porn.

But let us start with my big beef. I am tired of talking to people that hate themselves. That think that they are better than someone else or think that losing a few pounds will make them better people. That hate what they do as bad habits enough to hate it in others but do it themselves. I dislike smokers; I think it is a disgusting and useless habit. I feel that I can say that because I don’t smoke and never have and hopefully never will. I leave it open because you never know what might happen. But I don’t hate smokers who don’t share their second hand smoke with children. I don’t preach to smokers about their lungs. Because grown ass people will do what they will do regardless.

I listened to a friend of mine sit and pontificate (2: to speak or express opinions in a pompous or dogmatic way) about how people should be ashamed of their bodies when overweight or when displayed in any manner she decides is inappropriate, to me it shows how she is obviously ashamed of her own body. For years I have heard her just about cry about the state her body is in. I have also spent most of the time listening to her nearly nightly runs to Mickey D’s. She makes statements in broad, sweeping manner passing judgment on others and what they do and how they do it. Namely porn and sex are topics in easy reach of her diatribal ( 1 archaic : a prolonged discourse2 : a bitter and abusive speech or writing) spears, but being fat, being ashamed of being fat and being generally self righteous about all above topics doesn’t give her pause nor does she stop to think about exactly how she says what she says. Not that she never makes good points because she does, but the conversation have become so one sided as her side is the only side that gets voiced any more. The only thing she listens to now is what she says and how she says it for the blog that might *hopefully* become a book. Ok that was a cheap shot.

I just can’t see how someone who states that they wear their emotions on their sleeve doesn’t realize that when you say things and don’t contemplate how they are received that you are setting yourself up to be torn to pieces by anyone who listens or reads your words. I am not sure she is ready for the scrutiny that she will receive from people who think less about her and more about how many books they also sell in response to her own.

Now I am not Christian. I don’t pretend to be I don’t want to be but I know enough about the faith from the attempts to spoon fed me the doctrine by well meaning people. I know it isn’t something for me. I don’t relate to God(s)/Goddess(s)/Creative Force/Universe in conventional way. I am just now getting into the study of religion in its earliest forms to see if I feel anything that people say I should. *shrug* But I will be the first one to tell you that blind faith is a VERY bad thing. Believing in something to the extent that you stop thinking isn’t something I believed that God had in mind. If you use the analogy of children and that they grow up at some point. If that holds true then at some point in our development there should come a point where people can think for themselves. Now every child is different and needs different things but you don’t waste time and resources on a child that doesn’t need them. No good parent does anyway.

So what does that mean to me? That God is in everyone and everything. That God is what you need, when you need it. And that it isn’t a one size fits all solution to humanity’s woes but that it a customized solution to your own. Now I could be wrong and I have been before but this works for me. Oh and I am an Atheist moving toward … something. Who knows what?

Now please understand my position on porn and its place in our society. I believe that sex and the sales of sex in one form or another as a basic commodity is as important as the sugar and pork bellies futures on the market. But just like all business it has a very dirty side and it should be regulated, heavily. People are exploited everyday and they don’t have to work in porn to do that. This person that I am speaking about hates porn. She, along with myself, made money using our voices to soothe and entice men to whatever sexual end they saw fit. But I never EVER felt shame or regret for doing so. I have lied, cheated and stole for major corporations and have left feeling like I have laid down and let the customers, my managers and upper management bend me over and fuck me in the ass. I didn’t enjoy one moment of it. But when I do this work I log in and when I have had my fill, not when someone else decides, I log out. I am get up and leave it behind, completely. I don’t get jittery, I don’t dread the sound of my phone ringing, I just take the call and move on. I relish that and protect it.

So in summary, I dislike hypocrites. I detest the sanctimonious and I just think that a policy of live and let live is the best. I am not saying not to look out for evil in its vilest forms. But be pragmatic about what evil is. Be responsible for yourself and your own actions and stop blaming others for things that you should be fixing within yourself.

Mocha

Cat Fight? Hmmmmm

I was watching CNN or some such nonsense and it seems the Mrs. OBama and Mrs. McCain had some words to throw at the media at each other. It would seem that Mrs.Obama made the mistake of saying how she really felt about something when she said that in her lifetime this is the first time she was proud of her country. Mrs.McCain took the time to tell us that she was always proud of this country. I decided to think a little about both stances.

Mrs.Obama… Let me see. She said something that I have to on a lot of levels agree with. I am not going to say that up until now I have never been proud of my country. I am saying that I take everything with a grain of salt and I believe that there are areas of gray everywhere.

For those who didn’t realize this I will tell you that this has been built on the backs of some group of people. Yes, this country was built on the oppression of others. African Slaves, Irish, Italian, Eastern European, Chinese, Japanese, Native American genocide and of course others. I am just making a broad sweep. What I am saying that for every good thing this country does you have to remember that someone is getting shafted in some way to make it possible. And people who are the great great grand children of the oppressed know this.

Mrs. McCain.. well I can understand pride in country. I cry and feel pride when I hear the stories of Americans who took a stand for the country and against the government when it was wrong, or the government standing up for the common man. But that isn’t something that happens everyday.

I think that Americans can do with a healthy dose of paranoia when dealing with the government. There is no reason to think that it is out for your best interest in general. There are too many times where government has done it’s best to erode the rights of the people, trample on the consitution and whatnot to get it’s way.

So, yes, on some level I agree with both of them. I am proud but I carry a really big salt shaker…
Mocha.

Calling me a nigger won’t help…

Calling me a nigger won’t help… won’t change that I am an intelligent, beautiful, black woman and know it. Sorry. Try that with someone who isn’t empowered, who won’t take what is given and is more than willing to do for herself. No man, no woman and no child with words can take anything from me if I am not willing to give.

Damn didn’t I just say something about this?

manimal29: you look like a gorilla.
Mocha: then go somewhere else.
Mocha: Because you are behaving like a jackass.
manimal29: want a banana, monkey?
Mocha: No but I want you to stop sucking your father’s dick the male hormones are obviously not something you are used to
manimal29: lol
manimal29: are you someones pet?
Mocha: man you took a long to digest that huh
Mocha: what an idiot
manimal29: niggers are funny.
Mocha: bye jackass.
Mocha: And racists are ignorant cousin fuckers, not all but in general.
manimal29: stick to dancing, singing and waiting on whitey.
Mocha: I bet you dream of having a black woman whip the shit out of you instead of your daddy taping you in the ass all the time
manimal29: lol
manimal29: at the very least, i know who my daddy is.
manimal29: lol
Mocha: you know they do provide free therapy for victims of child abuse.
Mocha: No you are the type of coward that sits at his computer, jacking off to the idea that you are better than someone because your life is so generally fucked up.
manimal29: do you fling pooh, monkey?
Mocha: Can’t get laid
Mocha: can’t find a decent job
Mocha: and you can’t figure out why being a white man in this society doesn’t mean what it did when your daddy was head of the household
manimal29: sit. roll over.
manimal29: play dead.
Mocha: I bet you wish that you could make me feel bad
manimal29: good monkey!
Mocha: I bet you wish you could effect more than my pity for you
manimal29: lol
manimal29: i’m white. its a white world. i’ll NEVER need your pity.
Mocha: must be confusing to be told that you should rule the world and can’t even pay the rent on time with out daddy’s help
Mocha: You aren’t even a real man by your own standards.
manimal29: lol
manimal29: whats the matter. are you all still upset that we put shoes on you?
Mocha: I hope you grow up and get real before someone really shoves some reality up your ass. Oh and thanks for the blog material.

Damn.. the middle class is really really distracted. Well I refuse to be. Maybe one day people will stop talking like that to each other and figure out what is really really wrong with the world and ACTUALLY FIX IT.

Pay Attention People,

Mocha

P.S. Why don’t cha send him a little thanks for that . M.

About the middle class….

My thoughts on the middle class and racisim….

Ok, If you are White and Male in America, up until the 80’s that was all you had to be to get by better than anyone else. And if any of the other’s were doing better… well a trip out to the woods and a rope would even the odds.

Now what has changed. It isn’t a war of the races… not really not any more. It is a war of the classes. It really always has been. Racism is a tool of the RICH man. Read, Rich man, not black man, not white man, not yellow man or any other color man, The RICH MAN. To keep the middle class fighting each other and distract from the fact that the RICH MAN is only getting richer.

Don’t you listen to the news. The rich are getting richer and we, the adults of this generation are making on average less than our parents did in the 80’s, inflation and stagnant wages. We are getting paid less for the same work. We are not making the money they made. Ever wonder why? It might be because we are not paying attention. Paying attention to what? The news… the shuffling of jobs and wages. The dismantling of the middle.

Social Security, ain’t secure. Pensions.. gone the way of the dodo. A raise has been replaced by the Cola, cost of living ajustment, that barely matches inflation. Health insurance is so pricey it might as well be a luxury, let alone dental and vision.. do you really need to see to work or have teeth for that matter? Ever priced homes in your area or even a decent car? Yet more and more of your money seems to be sucked in by taxes. But we still haven’t mustered the will to be more pissed about it.

Ok you want a test of my theory… Remember OJ? No matter what you thought about his guilt or innocence. He had the money to pay for the defense. MONEY. And no amount of real or fabricated evidence put him in jail.

Need another one? Michael Jackson….No matter what you think… he has been accused and put on trial TWICE. He hasn’t even seen the inside of the jail. And he won’t.
Wake up. The middle class needs to rise up and become aware that we are being lied to, pacified and distracted into fighting each other and not joining together into a force that the like has not been seen since the french revolution. Not that heads should roll but a little Robin Hood might be what we need to keep us in a place that looks like the middle and not like the working poor. We have to stand up for us and those in the brackets below us. Damn it they have declared war on us. Don’t just sit there.

Think about it,
Mocha.

While you are thinking… I think this video is something that everyone who works hard can relate to. I hope you do enjoy it. M.

Any one can be a racist…

shelly_jin10: a black sista with a white brother yuck
Mocha: bots with social comentary? are you serious?
shelly_jin10: you must be a good dick sucka cause that’s what niggas like you do best
Mocha: I am sure you think so.. If that is all you really have to say on the subject of who I am fucking and why I am not fucking who you think I should then really why don’t you go away.
Mocha: Even better your message of hate and bullshit is so tired. Go preach to the klan with that. They are more likely to listen.
shelly_jin10: 2 fat people together i wonder what kind of action is there
Mocha: wait.. you are some white dyke bitch?
Mocha: are you serious?
Mocha: ok crack monkey. I am going to go now.

So why am I wasting blog space with this shit? Mmm, good question.  This exchange made me wonder when anyone decided they had the right to dictate to someone else who they should be in love with, fuck, make a life with. I mean I am catching hate from someone who on their profile says that they are a white woman and a lesbian.  Pots and Kettles I say. But when did love and sexual attaction became something that anyone could judge. Now I am not saying that people should go out and marry their sisters or their daddy’s brother. But what I am saying that short of a match that would cause genetic issues why would anyone bother with anyone else’s sexual preference.

I was actually going to write about why I, as in me, only preferred white men, in general as opposed to the obvious answer of a black dude.  With all the reasons being valid to only me, as it is my body and my life to do with as I see fit.  But I hadn’t gotten around to it… till now.

So for all those who might be wondering. Here it is. I like white men, I always have. Even before I realized that people where racially different. Then when I found out that there was some precieved idea that one was different from the other because of the skin tone I still liked the look of pale men. I have caught hell for this.

I was disowned by my father for marrying outside my race, I have had white chicks look at me with scorn, black dudes look at my mate with contempt and out right challenge them for me as if I were some kind of prize to win back. I have even people with children remove themselves from our presence because of my being with a white man. I have had white men mistakenly think that I might be interested in them just because they were white, as if they didn’t need to be a whole person before talking to me to begin with.  But I have had black men make that mistake with me too.

People try to label me, I guess to make themselves feel like they understand the world better. labels like, sell out, or white man’s toy… Sigh. It gets old really.

Someone told me that white dudes just don’t understand my culture. Funny, I don’t really understand current black culture. At least not from where some of these people either are or emulate being from. I come from the suburbs, my parents were middle to upper middle class and other than visiting some family in the projects, once in a while I was really never touched by that kinda life. I just wasn’t.  Don’t get me wrong, I went to mixed and black schools but I never felt like I fit in. The glasses, the nerdy attitude, the caustic wit. None of that sat well with my classmates and that was fine with me. By the time I was interested in dating I didn’t bother with classmates often, it was always someone pale.

Someone else was saying if I weren’t raised around a lot of black people. Sigh.. the truth is I was. But there are a lot of stereotypes and hype and bullshit that I see black people buying into about themselves. It makes me angry, but I guess my way of protest is to be me.  Even if it pisses off some people. And man does it.

But really who are we to say that one thing or the other is wrong in love and in sex? If it doesn’t float your boat, then it doesn’t. If you can’t live without it, then don’t, as long as you have a willng partner. If you can’t figure out why people do certain things that you won’t, don’t knock till you tried it. And if you can’t say something nice, shut the fuck up.

Love as thou wilt,

Mocha, a proud southern, left handed, bisexual, bbw, black woman in the south loving her white man.

Who you calling nigga?

Definitions of nigga on the Web:

• nigger: (ethnic slur) extremely offensive name for a Black person; “only a Black can call another Black a nigga”
  wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn
• The word “nigger” is a highly controversial term used in many English-speaking countries, including the United States, Canada, Britain, and Australia to refer to individuals with dark skin, especially those of African descent who previously were racially classified by the now outdated term Negro. It was once the standard, casual English term for black people. …

Why did I post those?

Well a friend of mine, he is on my list, prompted me to respond to a blog entry about how they felt about the word, its place and who has ‘mainstreamed’ its use. I realized that I couldn’t respond in some short comment and decided to write a blog about it myself.

Back to the use of the word.  Well I have issues with several of the words we use to describe ourselves.  Here are the ones I chose to talk about.

Nigger. Well it never was a nice word,  people would try to fool you. Sure it is true, words over time, can change meanings. But it isn’t something that will happen in this lifetime. I remember recently hearing that word on mainstream TV who wasn’t black and was instantly incensed. Thought about how I use the word and how others of my hue do as well… I was ashamed. I slipped into the trap. You see, if we get used to hearing it then it must be ok right. No. It isn’t right and I will do my best not to use that word.

African American. I told you I was southern right? Let me tell you what else I am. I am a quarter Cherokee on BOTH sides of my family, not sure what that fraction makes  and  Irish on my mother’s side.  I am generally offended by this label because it forces me to back away from the history that makes me American. The trials  and troubles of a great, great, great, grandmother who married Irish to stay off the trail of tears and in Georgia. Of a great, great, grandmother and all the mothers of my line after who clung to the strong, dark chocolate arms of their husbands and fathers of their children. I don’t use that term, it is too limiting.

Black. When I was growing up my mother told me why she liked the term and I think it is why I still use it to describe myself racially. She told me of a time when to be paper sack brown or lighter, to be a member of the blue vein society was coveted. That Negro and Nigger was basicly the same thing and that it was time for us as a people to embrace and accept the depth and breath of that color. That black was the color of  blue eyed, honey  pale skinned, straight hair as it was the color of the darkest skin tone, eye color, and the kinkiest hair. That it was time to absorb and exude the truth. Black is beautiful. To be black is to be proud and strong and reseliant.

Mocha. I use that term to describe the hue and tone of my skin. I used to just be coffee colored, too many summers in Florida as a child and young adult. I think of my shade as the richness that you would find in a Starbucks cup if you would just pop the lid. Two sugars, two creams and a liberal sprinkling of chocolate.  I also use it to describe myself, warm, sweet and oh so creamy. But if you aren’t careful it will and I will burn you. Don’t treat it lightly because it is sweet.

That is how I feel about it. I could be wrong. But I doubt it.

Mocha.

I am tried of giving people what they want..

So I won’t anymore. I have had quite a few conversations that go something like:

countryboy02210: hi
Mocha: ?
Mocha: what do you want?
countryboy02210: mind if i view
Mocha: yes I do.
countryboy02210: ok
Mocha: I also mind that you are messaging me. Please don’t bother me again.
countryboy02210: well fuck u then rude ass
Mocha: Fuck your self.. you would actually feel that. Fucking idiot.

I hate people who save your name for a cam show, or to just ‘talk’. People wonder why I am so mistrusting. Because from this end everyone wants something. Let me give you another case study:

innocent21: well I am saying it again

innocent21: and your eyes are beautiful as well

Mocha: thanks

Mocha: so what are you getting into today?

innocent21: yeah

innocent21: I dunno…I just took that re take test

innocent21: and i got an 88!!

innocent21: and i got my portfolio back with my lesson plans and I got an !

innocent21: A

Mocha: tight

innocent21: and I am driving home

Mocha: oh be careful

innocent21: I will Ive done this a thousand times no sweat

innocent21: what are you up to today

Mocha: not much.. waiting to hear from jobs.

innocent21: ah cool

innocent21: i hope u hear some good news

Mocha: me too

innocent21: do you have any new pics of you that arent on your blog or anything

innocent21: cause I think I have a few I could send you if you wanted to see

innocent21: I am at home now so I can send them

Mocha: I don’t share pics that aren’t for the public

Mocha: and you know I am not really all that visual

innocent21: ok thats fine I dont mean naked just so you know

innocent21: I guess I just thought you might wanna see a better pic of me is all or something

innocent21: but no big deal

Mocha: good I hate making a big deal. I know what you look like honey

innocent21: not what all of me looks like jk

Mocha:

Mocha: sigh..

innocent21: sorry trying to make a joke

Mocha: wasn’t funny

innocent21: I can see tha

innocent21: t

innocent21: I have a question…be honest

innocent21: I know you dont have any interest in chatting with me

innocent21: so why do you?

innocent21: why dont you jut ignore me or something

innocent21: you dont want me back in your life you say

Mocha: why don’t you just stop messaging me?

Mocha: are you compelled to do so as some form of torture.

innocent21: no because I love you and love talking to you

innocent21: I enjoy our conversastions

innocent21: I have missed them

Mocha: Did I suddenly cross your mind and you decided hey, let me see if i can make her ignore me again. push her into a corner and see what she does.

Mocha: Love isn’t selfish.

innocent21: I guess a part of me thinks you enjoy them too and thats why you havent ignored me

innocent21: I am not being selfish

innocent21: I am trying to be there for you

innocent21: be someone you can talk to

Mocha:  when I asked you to leave me be but you wouldn’t? what would you call it

innocent21: persistent

innocent21: is it too hard on you to ignore me?

Mocha: persistant is just what I asked you not to be.

Mocha: this is bordering stalking.

Mocha: is it so hard not to message me. so hard to leave me in peace?

innocent21: its just….I care for you

innocent21: and I thought maybe we would be able to begin a new

innocent21: I thought I honestly was getting through to you

innocent21: does it make you feel good to push me away and hurt me? just cause in your mind you can not have me?

innocent21: I mean I just do not get it

innocent21: I give up

innocent21: I have been nice to you and genuine

innocent21: I mean I care for you…I have no ulterior motive

Mocha: Does it feel good to hurt you? honestly, sometimes yeah. sometimes I do it just so that you will give me space. You are crowding me and you don’t care. You push me and I don’t want to be pushed.  You tell me things I don’t want to hear, and you don’t care that I don’t feel comfortable hearing them or that I am tired of hearing them. I want space and you won’t let me have it, fine I can talk to you but if you want me to lie to you and fake like it ok like I had been.. then fine. but isn’t the real me or how I feel. You want me to ignore you. I want you to stop.

innocent21: did you ever even enjoy talking to me?

Mocha: being nice to me isn’t something that owes you a free pass. I asked something simple of you. To be able to move on without you.. you don’t want me to, fine. Then I will move on dragging you behind. But don’t ever ask me to be nice about it.

Mocha: it hurts more than it heals

innocent21: did you ever enjoy talking to me?

innocent21: I guess its my fault for being so damn stupid…I thought being honest and genuine would count for something

innocent21: I thought we had something great

innocent21: and could turn it into a great friendship or what ever

Mocha: it rarely does. We did.. but past is past. I won’t resurrect it so that you feel good.

innocent21: but I have been a damn fool

innocent21: its not about that!

innocent21: its not about me

innocent21: its about you more than me

Mocha: then what is it about?

innocent21: its about me reading all the things you say on your blog

innocent21: and seeing how up and down life has been for you

innocent21: and wanting to reach out and offer support

Mocha: honey? Why are you trying so hard? I didn’t ask for your help? Never offer a woman help or advise she didn’t ask for. She will only resent you.

innocent21: I am trying cause I care for you

innocent21: and I have missed you

innocent21: and a part of me hoped you missed me too

innocent21: and we could not have our old relationship…but a new better one

innocent21: I just want to support you and be there for you so badly

innocent21: but yes…I do…well I wont say it but I do care for you and have feelings

innocent21: and….I am just a burden

innocent21: a stalker as you have said

innocent21: this hasnt gone like I thought it would

Mocha: No I don’t think it did.

innocent21: I wish I could just….I wish I had a mic or something I feel like I just cant say things right anymore

Mocha: sigh

innocent21: ok fine lets just do this the easy way then

innocent21: I know your tired of this

innocent21: I guess I just wont ever understand

innocent21: I am sorry for crowding you and I guess I opened up too much

innocent21: you will not ever be forgotten…for the good times

innocent21: and this is it…I realize talking to you is pointless it doesnt accomplish anything

innocent21: any last words?

Mocha: I don’t need to expound on my feelings on a subject to feel closure. I I just move on…everything else does. Have a good life hon.

innocent21: I wish that I believed you meant that

innocent21: the one thing I learned from you is you dont even care about me anymore

innocent21: you feel good about hurting me you see my words as meaningless

Mocha: sigh… I do. That is why I won’t do this.

innocent21: I dont get it

innocent21: you can have me as what ever you want you control that

innocent21: but I am hurt and very sad right now

innocent21: but keep in mind one thing I never once asked you anything sexual

innocent21: I never cared about any of that

innocent21: and I hope you miss me and think of me

innocent21: but I doubt it you will move on

innocent21: its hard for me to say goodbye as you can tell and I am sorry just a lot to say to you

Mocha: Let me ask you a question. Is your life better now that you have talked to me again?

innocent21: yes

Mocha: I am glad you think so honey.

innocent21: I know so

innocent21: you made me happy

innocent21: when we talked…and we didnt have this drama or this shit about not talking or hurting each other

innocent21: or not caring

innocent21: but when we just talked it was nice

Mocha: but I don’t make you happy now and it is up to you to make yourself happy. I won’t be that to someone again

Now for those that actually read all of that. You are quite long suffering. For those that want the short version… well I am not sure there is one. Basically, I this person I used to care for, could even argue that I loved wanted me back in their life. Now I am of the mind that if you have moved on and grown and developed without someone then it is best to continue to do so. Drudging up past issues, habits that you got rid of and of course past hurts does nothing for the people involved. But that is how I handled it, I might be wrong but I don’t want to be trapped into conversations where someone else is glad to be there and I am waiting till the end.

 

Mocha

5:41pm I don’t have much time to write this…

But I was thinking and thinking and well. Love has been kind to me. I have never been in love with someone that didn’t love me back. I love with all I have, and no it hasn’t been enough yet. But I am here hoping that someday it will be.

The men that I can say have loved, I still love them or are currently in love with, I wonder how they are and what they are doing and if they are happy. I think today of the man that loves me now. And I know I am lucky.  I think of Cyclists and Architects and Computer Techs and smile. I have been lucky in love all three times.

Thank you Canondale for getting my love home when the Surly left him.

Thank you Hong Kong for being there when Atlanta wasn’t treating him right.

And thank you Cobb County for being the place he calls home and the place where he feels safest,where he was safest.

Thank you universe, for them thank you for the time, no matter how brief or how much it hurt or will hurt. Thank you making my heart big enough for them for the time I had them.

Sigh. I just hope that they feel a little charity for me. I did/do love them as best as I could for as long as they let me.

Sigh…. love.

Mocha

P.S. if there is anyone listening. Please let someone else who fits them better, not the one I have …he’s mine. But the one’s I lost please let them find whatever it is that makes them happy…even if it is someone else. I had my turn for what it is worth I want them happy…