I Have Been Bitching Alot Lately…

Mainly because I haven’t been laid in so damn long and I am hormonal and need some physical and sexual attention and healing. Sigh.. I can’t even write erotica properly. *shrug*
Getting off my Bitch Throne,
Mocha

Funny things get said to me…

pantylover_6969: mmm, so sweet and brown, sista!
Mocha: ?
pantylover_6969: been awhile…
pantylover_6969: hi u doin?
pantylover_6969: so sweet and brown…
pantylover_6969: nice and thick and full figured…i
pantylover_6969: nice nigger bitch to slave in bed…
Mocha:
Mocha: man you really lost your mind didn’t you
pantylover_6969: no, i love big black ladies…
pantylover_6969: can’t lie..u ladies r easy to cum…
pantylover_6969: my ancestors mut’ve had a damn good time being in a position to cum into your huts and just taking the pussy….
Mocha: you are proud to have rapists in your family?
Mocha: whoa.. that is interesting
pantylover_6969: anytime they felt like it….
pantylover_6969: it was legal back then…was the law that u were their property….
Mocha: rape is rape no matter how you like it
Mocha: but whatever.
pantylover_6969: to be honest with u, i secretely think about that while i am banging a black chick.would of course never tell them that….
Mocha: you must hate being impotent. Not being able to act out your sexual aggression on people you precieve as weaker or less powerful than yourself
Mocha: sad really. Oh and by the way. Unless you actually owned those slaves. It was illegal to even rape them. Funny what kinds of things happened to poor white trash back then.
Mocha: bye
pantylover_6969: u don’t really buy into that logic, do u?…lol…sounds so canned….blacks kill me with eir self-loathing ways…
pantylover_6969: i would love to do u while u wear a red rag on your head///yummy that would be…

Why would someone spend their time hating on me? Sigh..

Mocha

I Have Writer’s Block

A touch of it anyway. I need to get my creative juices flowing but I have a hard time writing when I don’t have a solid idea of what the hell I want to say.

Love? Riiight…

I had a conversation with a good friend of mine about men. I guess I am getting more and more jaded as time goes on. Feeling mostly like it isn’t really going to ever work for me because I feel so badly about men in general. Anyway it sort of went like this.

Good Friend: ah well … I sort of take it all in my stride mocha … don’t let it get to you dear … not worth the grief

Mocha: No, I guess you are right

Mocha: but it isn’t even entertaining anymore.

Good Friend: well it seems different people get different things out of chat … for me … it’s relief and escape … so that’s probably why I don’t take things too seriously while I’m in there

Mocha: I guess.

Mocha: I kinda of use it as a way to observe people as they would be if given the chance.

Mocha: I find it interesting when I am not annoyed.

Good Friend: well … there you go … any observations that I make are more generalized and not so in depth I suppose … but I do agree with the fact that some in there can be annoying … not that I’ve noticed so much with females

Good Friend: but some of the males definitely …, yes

Mocha: I find that chatting does at time erode my idea of men. Makes me more realistic but also disappoints me greatly.

Mocha: ok can you tell me why this even happened?

Mocha: john_harley3: got dc

Mocha: ah

john_harley3: i saw ur profile that u don’t like welcoming

Mocha: ok

john_harley3: cant we just view each other?

Mocha: good night

john_harley3: gn

john_harley3: may i add u?

Mocha: no.

Good Friend: male hormones … at their very basic level

Good Friend: little head thinking for the big one

Good Friend: as is more often the case

Mocha: But maybe I am not being fair. Do women do this as well?

Good Friend: well … not that much that I’ve noticed

Good Friend: although I quite often get invited to view cams of females

Good Friend: I suppose males are just more basic and forthright with there wants/desires … that and the fact that most of them can’t type for shit

Good Friend: lol

Mocha: I think I am very forth right about my desires, but I am not interested in fucking a penis life support system either. I think women are more interested in the kind of person she lets into her body.

Mocha: Not just the quality of sex, the personality or even the things that man has. But that he is a decent man to begin with. And so many men seem to not even have decency going for them.

Mocha: But I think basically we want the same thing. But it is important to women who they get it from as opposed to getting it at all.

Good Friend: yes … but I’ve noticed that some females can be very basic in their desires too … but I suppose each to their own

Mocha: I agree with that as well.

Good Friend: like I think I’ve said before … you would no doubt suffer from the same general problem … some guy thinks … BBW … probably has big tits … I’m gunna ask her to show … if she says f* off … well nothing lost

Good Friend: some of them have hides like a rhino … almost bulletproof

Mocha:

Mocha: But it makes it hard to get to know any man. Because even decent men can act like that. Often do.

Good Friend: oh yes … they can do

Mocha: I don’t want to share my body, my anything with any of the.

Mocha: them

Mocha: How can I get close when I know that he is that disgusting and is willing to use someone like that?

Mocha: that he isn’t as basically decent as he says he is.

Good Friend: I don’t know dear … that is not an easy question to answer

Good Friend: and maybe the answer doesn’t lie within yahoo

Mocha: I don’t think the answer lies anywhere

I am not sure what I am saying. I think I have been divorced so long and so heart broken, battered and used that I am not willing to deal with it anymore. That I am finding that men aren’t worth knowing in a romantic sense or even sexual context. Not that women are the answer, they have their own set of issues and complications. I think I have just gotten to a point in my life where as much as I would love to be loved and to love, who I love and what they are as a person isn’t something that I am willing to compromise on. But isn’t that the point of the new marriage numbers. Even in the shallowest of marriages or the deepest of relationships it is getting to where people aren’t willing to figure out how to deal and cope with the humaness of another human being because they don’t have to any more. A woman doesn’t have to settle for a man so that the bills will be paid. A man doesn’t have to settle for a woman that can’t please him sexually or that he can’t stand to be in a room with. People aren’t expect to suffer silently anymore. Sure you might attempt to make a commitment to someone but if it doesn’t work out then you can start over.

I just think I am not willing to really play the game anymore. I feel too old or mature or whatever to even pretend that I want to learn the rules. Men just seem so self serving and self centered. Catering to only their own whims and fleeting desires. What is a woman supposed to do? Or more importantly what am I going to do? Do I roll over and give up or do I keep plugging away, ever searching, hoping… who knows.

Mocha

Man it never changes

Recent conversation on yahoo where I didn’t answer some random message until I was ready to. And then I posed a question and got no answer. Read it and tell me what you think. I am very interested. Oh and no one’s name was changed to protect the innocent. There are no innocent.

abosmra75: hi
abosmra75: how r u
abosmra75: hey i talked to u in the room and u never answered me r u busy or ignoring me
Mocha: who are you?
Mocha: and why do you think you are entitled to my attention?
abosmra75: fuck u who do u think u r
Mocha: someone who is messaged quite a goddamn bit
Mocha: someone who is bored with the same lines tossed at her by people who don’t think before speaking
Mocha: so why should I waste time and energy on you?
Mocha: what makes you different?
Mocha: if you can’t answer the question then you proved that you are no different then those who seek my attention for nothing.
Mocha: but don’t ask me who the fuck I think I am when you messaged me.
Mocha: I didn’t think so

Mocha

Want to see what passes for conversation?

I know I am not the most pleasant person to talk to when I get in my moods. And I have had a whooper lately. But there somes a point when someone rejects you that you can pack yourself off and leave and remain in control of yourself and your dignity and then there is a point where you make a complete and total ass out of yourself. Read the following and tell me what you think?

handkerchief_waver_1984: Aye chick whas good w/ U?
handkerchief_waver_1984: You’re VERY pretty
handkerchief_waver_1984: But I think you sellin yaself short
handkerchief_waver_1984: 1
Mocha: what?
handkerchief_waver_1984: Whas good w/ you?
Mocha: selling me short?
handkerchief_waver_1984: What you mean?
handkerchief_waver_1984: OH
handkerchief_waver_1984: Yeah
Mocha: ?
Mocha: so what do you mean?
handkerchief_waver_1984: I read ya profile N it just seemed like you were sellin yaself short
handkerchief_waver_1984: But that’s jus me tho
Mocha: in what way?
handkerchief_waver_1984: I don’t know…I just think you’re sellin yaself short…
handkerchief_waver_1984: You’re a beautiful black lady who would have a lot to offer
handkerchief_waver_1984: Don’t advertise you being bisexual and all of that…
handkerchief_waver_1984: That’s not attractive
Mocha: Excuse me?
handkerchief_waver_1984: That’s what your profile says
Mocha: So you think you can tell me what to do? Or how to behave?
Mocha: That that is something that you can even tell me?
Mocha: Interesting
handkerchief_waver_1984: I could HELP YOU make better choices…
Mocha: I don’t like being judged by people, especially people who don’t know me.
handkerchief_waver_1984: I’m NOT judging you
Mocha: And you can’t help me do anything
handkerchief_waver_1984: Ok well if that’s what you think
Mocha: I am going to go. You are not the sort of person I want to get to know. And I see that I am not the type that you want to get to know either. Good luck
handkerchief_waver_1984: LOL
handkerchief_waver_1984: FUCKIN NIGGER
handkerchief_waver_1984: Just like the rest of them
handkerchief_waver_1984: 1
Mocha: Sigh.. you aren’t even interesting in your ignorance and bigotry.

I was basicly impressed at the amount of bullshit that this person was attempting to shovel at me because they thought I could be easily controlled. Many a man has made that mistake. I am not easily controlled and I don’t want to be. I just want to live and let live, usually. But when met with stupidity I have to wonder. How do they maintain the needful amount of braincells to keep breathing? Wonders of wonders…

Don’t read this if you are easily offended.

This will be minor Christianity bashing, so for all those who are sensitive to such blasphemous and heretical information should move onward. It is also going to be bashing women and men in general. This is a rant.

I have NEVER been ashamed of who and what I look like, or for that matter, who or what I am. Never. Not since I gained my woman’s form. I have always had attempts made, cheap shots and rude comments about how I am shaped no matter what size I was. It seems that men and women find it fascinating that a woman my current size can still have a waist. But that is neither here nor there… I want to talk about size, pompous posturing and porn.

But let us start with my big beef. I am tired of talking to people that hate themselves. That think that they are better than someone else or think that losing a few pounds will make them better people. That hate what they do as bad habits enough to hate it in others but do it themselves. I dislike smokers; I think it is a disgusting and useless habit. I feel that I can say that because I don’t smoke and never have and hopefully never will. I leave it open because you never know what might happen. But I don’t hate smokers who don’t share their second hand smoke with children. I don’t preach to smokers about their lungs. Because grown ass people will do what they will do regardless.

I listened to a friend of mine sit and pontificate (2: to speak or express opinions in a pompous or dogmatic way) about how people should be ashamed of their bodies when overweight or when displayed in any manner she decides is inappropriate, to me it shows how she is obviously ashamed of her own body. For years I have heard her just about cry about the state her body is in. I have also spent most of the time listening to her nearly nightly runs to Mickey D’s. She makes statements in broad, sweeping manner passing judgment on others and what they do and how they do it. Namely porn and sex are topics in easy reach of her diatribal ( 1 archaic : a prolonged discourse2 : a bitter and abusive speech or writing) spears, but being fat, being ashamed of being fat and being generally self righteous about all above topics doesn’t give her pause nor does she stop to think about exactly how she says what she says. Not that she never makes good points because she does, but the conversation have become so one sided as her side is the only side that gets voiced any more. The only thing she listens to now is what she says and how she says it for the blog that might *hopefully* become a book. Ok that was a cheap shot.

I just can’t see how someone who states that they wear their emotions on their sleeve doesn’t realize that when you say things and don’t contemplate how they are received that you are setting yourself up to be torn to pieces by anyone who listens or reads your words. I am not sure she is ready for the scrutiny that she will receive from people who think less about her and more about how many books they also sell in response to her own.

Now I am not Christian. I don’t pretend to be I don’t want to be but I know enough about the faith from the attempts to spoon fed me the doctrine by well meaning people. I know it isn’t something for me. I don’t relate to God(s)/Goddess(s)/Creative Force/Universe in conventional way. I am just now getting into the study of religion in its earliest forms to see if I feel anything that people say I should. *shrug* But I will be the first one to tell you that blind faith is a VERY bad thing. Believing in something to the extent that you stop thinking isn’t something I believed that God had in mind. If you use the analogy of children and that they grow up at some point. If that holds true then at some point in our development there should come a point where people can think for themselves. Now every child is different and needs different things but you don’t waste time and resources on a child that doesn’t need them. No good parent does anyway.

So what does that mean to me? That God is in everyone and everything. That God is what you need, when you need it. And that it isn’t a one size fits all solution to humanity’s woes but that it a customized solution to your own. Now I could be wrong and I have been before but this works for me. Oh and I am an Atheist moving toward … something. Who knows what?

Now please understand my position on porn and its place in our society. I believe that sex and the sales of sex in one form or another as a basic commodity is as important as the sugar and pork bellies futures on the market. But just like all business it has a very dirty side and it should be regulated, heavily. People are exploited everyday and they don’t have to work in porn to do that. This person that I am speaking about hates porn. She, along with myself, made money using our voices to soothe and entice men to whatever sexual end they saw fit. But I never EVER felt shame or regret for doing so. I have lied, cheated and stole for major corporations and have left feeling like I have laid down and let the customers, my managers and upper management bend me over and fuck me in the ass. I didn’t enjoy one moment of it. But when I do this work I log in and when I have had my fill, not when someone else decides, I log out. I am get up and leave it behind, completely. I don’t get jittery, I don’t dread the sound of my phone ringing, I just take the call and move on. I relish that and protect it.

So in summary, I dislike hypocrites. I detest the sanctimonious and I just think that a policy of live and let live is the best. I am not saying not to look out for evil in its vilest forms. But be pragmatic about what evil is. Be responsible for yourself and your own actions and stop blaming others for things that you should be fixing within yourself.

Mocha

If you were interested in knowing about me…

Mainly about how to deal with me.. and this is for my friends and strangers. So if you are interested in how I am …. well this kinda lets you know.

you chose AY – your Enneagram type is EIGHT (aka “The Challenger”).

“I must be strong”

Asserters are direct, self-reliant, self-confident, and protective.

How to Get Along with Me

• Stand up for yourself… and me.
• Be confident, strong, and direct.
• Don’t gossip about me or betray my trust.
• Be vulnerable and share your feelings. See and acknowledge my tender, vulnerable side.
• Give me space to be alone.
• Acknowledge the contributions I make, but don’t flatter me.
• I often speak in an assertive way. Don’t automatically assume it’s a personal attack.
• When I scream, curse, and stomp around, try to remember that’s just the way I am.

What I Like About Being a EIGHT

• being independent and self-reliant
• being able to take charge and meet challenges head on
• being courageous, straightforward, and honest
• getting all the enjoyment I can out of life
• supporting, empowering, and protecting those close to me
• upholding just causes

What’s Hard About Being a EIGHT

• overwhelming people with my bluntness; scaring them away when I don’t intend to
• being restless and impatient with others’ incompetence
• sticking my neck out for people and receiving no appreciation for it
• never forgetting injuries or injustices
• putting too much pressure on myself
• getting high blood pressure when people don’t obey the rules or when things don’t go right

EIGHTs as Children Often

• are independent; have an inner strength and a fighting spirit
• are sometimes loners
• seize control so they won’t be controlled
• fugure out others’ weaknesses
• attack verbally or physically when provoked
• take charge in the family because they perceive themselves as the strongest, or grow up in difficult or abusive surroundings

EIGHTs as Parents

• are often loyal, caring, involved, and devoted
• are sometimes overprotective
• can be demanding, controlling, and rigid

Renee Baron & Elizabeth WageleThe Enneagram Made Easy
Discover the 9 Types of People
Harper SanFrancisco, 1994, 161 pages

Cat Fight? Hmmmmm

I was watching CNN or some such nonsense and it seems the Mrs. OBama and Mrs. McCain had some words to throw at the media at each other. It would seem that Mrs.Obama made the mistake of saying how she really felt about something when she said that in her lifetime this is the first time she was proud of her country. Mrs.McCain took the time to tell us that she was always proud of this country. I decided to think a little about both stances.

Mrs.Obama… Let me see. She said something that I have to on a lot of levels agree with. I am not going to say that up until now I have never been proud of my country. I am saying that I take everything with a grain of salt and I believe that there are areas of gray everywhere.

For those who didn’t realize this I will tell you that this has been built on the backs of some group of people. Yes, this country was built on the oppression of others. African Slaves, Irish, Italian, Eastern European, Chinese, Japanese, Native American genocide and of course others. I am just making a broad sweep. What I am saying that for every good thing this country does you have to remember that someone is getting shafted in some way to make it possible. And people who are the great great grand children of the oppressed know this.

Mrs. McCain.. well I can understand pride in country. I cry and feel pride when I hear the stories of Americans who took a stand for the country and against the government when it was wrong, or the government standing up for the common man. But that isn’t something that happens everyday.

I think that Americans can do with a healthy dose of paranoia when dealing with the government. There is no reason to think that it is out for your best interest in general. There are too many times where government has done it’s best to erode the rights of the people, trample on the consitution and whatnot to get it’s way.

So, yes, on some level I agree with both of them. I am proud but I carry a really big salt shaker…
Mocha.

Hey, it’s been a while..

This has been stewing for sometime with me. I have been becomming more and more aware that people are just content to remain ignorant.

Case and point. I was, well I am still in BBW 10, chatting. The girls there just wanted to yak about Brit, Lohan and Anna Nicole. Before my mind imploded I decided to have a little experiment. I wanted to see if it was possible to change the direction of the conversation to something kinda important. At least it is to me.

I wanted to talk about the erosion of the middle class. A user in the room basicly said that they adhered to the taboo about religion and politics….. my response to that was:

“Well I can’t stand this any more. Politics is one thing. Believe me Religion is something I would never touch. But I think the taboo on politics is what keeps most of us in the dark about what is really going on. What if my republican friend turns me on to something that is going on that I couldn’t see as a independant. What if a democrat had an idea that applied favorably to us as middle americans. Doesn’t any one care that the gap from Middle to Rich is widening.”

No response back. None.. they ignored me, completely.

I want to be very clear. I don’t give one cold january damn about Ms. Spears or any of their ilk. I don’t care about their lives or what they do. They have people who they pay a lot of money to do that and even other people that get paid a lot of money to shoot it, film it or put it on tv. And I am not one of those people and I won’t do it for free. Why should I?

So what’s eating me? The cost of gas when we don’t have to use it anymore, (Alternative Fuels People). The economy and the dismantling of the middle class into more of a working poor. The idea that I am being taxed for things that I don’t want to pay for like for instance social security, this war, services that I don’t use and are redundant and not paying for things I need like healthcare. And watching my fellow Americans just sit and take it just for the chance to be entertained by … nothing.

It has been stewing in my mind for a little more than a little while and I am slowly realizing that maybe Americans are just weary. You know that rebellious generation, the hippies and social conscience types are old now. The Vets of the Vietnam Era are starting to look like The old WWII guys did in the 80’s. The Civil Rights movement, not just the Black Civil Rights, but all of them, those people are dying out. They didn’t raise this X generation to rally and fight. We are just sitting and stewing. We made fun of them but without them our apathy wouldn’t be possible. But I think we were raised with a certain amount of fatalism that isn’t serving us very well. We are adults now. I feel that we are going to fall with out a cry, not even a wimper.

Mocha