I had a conversation with a good friend of mine about men. I guess I am getting more and more jaded as time goes on. Feeling mostly like it isn’t really going to ever work for me because I feel so badly about men in general. Anyway it sort of went like this.

Good Friend: ah well … I sort of take it all in my stride mocha … don’t let it get to you dear … not worth the grief

Mocha: No, I guess you are right

Mocha: but it isn’t even entertaining anymore.

Good Friend: well it seems different people get different things out of chat … for me … it’s relief and escape … so that’s probably why I don’t take things too seriously while I’m in there

Mocha: I guess.

Mocha: I kinda of use it as a way to observe people as they would be if given the chance.

Mocha: I find it interesting when I am not annoyed.

Good Friend: well … there you go … any observations that I make are more generalized and not so in depth I suppose … but I do agree with the fact that some in there can be annoying … not that I’ve noticed so much with females

Good Friend: but some of the males definitely …, yes

Mocha: I find that chatting does at time erode my idea of men. Makes me more realistic but also disappoints me greatly.

Mocha: ok can you tell me why this even happened?

Mocha: john_harley3: got dc

Mocha: ah

john_harley3: i saw ur profile that u don’t like welcoming

Mocha: ok

john_harley3: cant we just view each other?

Mocha: good night

john_harley3: gn

john_harley3: may i add u?

Mocha: no.

Good Friend: male hormones … at their very basic level

Good Friend: little head thinking for the big one

Good Friend: as is more often the case

Mocha: But maybe I am not being fair. Do women do this as well?

Good Friend: well … not that much that I’ve noticed

Good Friend: although I quite often get invited to view cams of females

Good Friend: I suppose males are just more basic and forthright with there wants/desires … that and the fact that most of them can’t type for shit

Good Friend: lol

Mocha: I think I am very forth right about my desires, but I am not interested in fucking a penis life support system either. I think women are more interested in the kind of person she lets into her body.

Mocha: Not just the quality of sex, the personality or even the things that man has. But that he is a decent man to begin with. And so many men seem to not even have decency going for them.

Mocha: But I think basically we want the same thing. But it is important to women who they get it from as opposed to getting it at all.

Good Friend: yes … but I’ve noticed that some females can be very basic in their desires too … but I suppose each to their own

Mocha: I agree with that as well.

Good Friend: like I think I’ve said before … you would no doubt suffer from the same general problem … some guy thinks … BBW … probably has big tits … I’m gunna ask her to show … if she says f* off … well nothing lost

Good Friend: some of them have hides like a rhino … almost bulletproof

Mocha:

Mocha: But it makes it hard to get to know any man. Because even decent men can act like that. Often do.

Good Friend: oh yes … they can do

Mocha: I don’t want to share my body, my anything with any of the.

Mocha: them

Mocha: How can I get close when I know that he is that disgusting and is willing to use someone like that?

Mocha: that he isn’t as basically decent as he says he is.

Good Friend: I don’t know dear … that is not an easy question to answer

Good Friend: and maybe the answer doesn’t lie within yahoo

Mocha: I don’t think the answer lies anywhere

I am not sure what I am saying. I think I have been divorced so long and so heart broken, battered and used that I am not willing to deal with it anymore. That I am finding that men aren’t worth knowing in a romantic sense or even sexual context. Not that women are the answer, they have their own set of issues and complications. I think I have just gotten to a point in my life where as much as I would love to be loved and to love, who I love and what they are as a person isn’t something that I am willing to compromise on. But isn’t that the point of the new marriage numbers. Even in the shallowest of marriages or the deepest of relationships it is getting to where people aren’t willing to figure out how to deal and cope with the humaness of another human being because they don’t have to any more. A woman doesn’t have to settle for a man so that the bills will be paid. A man doesn’t have to settle for a woman that can’t please him sexually or that he can’t stand to be in a room with. People aren’t expect to suffer silently anymore. Sure you might attempt to make a commitment to someone but if it doesn’t work out then you can start over.

I just think I am not willing to really play the game anymore. I feel too old or mature or whatever to even pretend that I want to learn the rules. Men just seem so self serving and self centered. Catering to only their own whims and fleeting desires. What is a woman supposed to do? Or more importantly what am I going to do? Do I roll over and give up or do I keep plugging away, ever searching, hoping… who knows.

Mocha

Recent conversation on yahoo where I didn’t answer some random message until I was ready to. And then I posed a question and got no answer. Read it and tell me what you think. I am very interested. Oh and no one’s name was changed to protect the innocent. There are no innocent.

abosmra75: hi
abosmra75: how r u
abosmra75: hey i talked to u in the room and u never answered me r u busy or ignoring me
Mocha: who are you?
Mocha: and why do you think you are entitled to my attention?
abosmra75: fuck u who do u think u r
Mocha: someone who is messaged quite a goddamn bit
Mocha: someone who is bored with the same lines tossed at her by people who don’t think before speaking
Mocha: so why should I waste time and energy on you?
Mocha: what makes you different?
Mocha: if you can’t answer the question then you proved that you are no different then those who seek my attention for nothing.
Mocha: but don’t ask me who the fuck I think I am when you messaged me.
Mocha: I didn’t think so

Mocha

I have been waiting on this posting for quite a while now. Seems that it takes time to convert the story over. I don’t know. But it is up and looking pretty good. Though I haven’t done as much with the editing. I am sure that will bite me in the behind. Any hoo, I have posted it and here is a link.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=358370

and if you want to read the original story here is the link for that :

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=357270

Enjoy.

Mocha

I am actually sitting steady in my chair trying to think of what to do to try and get my weight loss started again. I guess I will have to start rethinking my little eating plan. Get outside a little more regularly. You know the normal stuff. See if I can eat a little cleaner.

I am working on the website and am coming to a bit of a road block. I want the site to be clean and fresh looking but am not sure what color scheme would say that on a naughty site about bbws.  I have tried pink and was a little disappointed in the color by it’s cutesy nature. I want something a little less cute and a little more sexy. Black and pink instead? Well I will try it. *shrug*.

Mocha

About this blog and about the story I wrote. I am really excited about the positive about it. I have submitted part 2 of Patience and am waiting for Literotica.com to go on and approve it so that it can go up. I am in the middle of writing part 3. I am not sure how far or how long this series will go but I am so excited at the idea of it just existing at all to be honest. As I write more and more about Patience and Riley they started off being based on myself and others and now are becoming more themselves in my head. With real voices of their own.

I am working franticly on my websites and want to have something to show for all of this hard work before the end of the summer, don’t quote me on that as a launch date. I have a lot of reading to do and ideas to mesh into something that would actually work. But really it is the feedback that is keeping me going, letting me know that maybe I am doing something worthwhile. Well wish me luck and keep me on the straight and narrow.

thanks y’all,

Mocha

P.S. For those who haven’t read the first installment I will repost the link.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=357270

Your Score: Evil Bunny

You scored 28 Happy Bunnyness!

Watch out for you Evil one! People step out of the way as you pass by in fear of that mouth of yours. Never be ashamed of your mood swings…Who doesn’t love swings?? You are so evil…and yet….still so cute and huggable. Guess that’s why you get away with all of your evilness.

I know I am not the most pleasant person to talk to when I get in my moods. And I have had a whooper lately. But there somes a point when someone rejects you that you can pack yourself off and leave and remain in control of yourself and your dignity and then there is a point where you make a complete and total ass out of yourself. Read the following and tell me what you think?

handkerchief_waver_1984: Aye chick whas good w/ U?
handkerchief_waver_1984: You’re VERY pretty
handkerchief_waver_1984: But I think you sellin yaself short
handkerchief_waver_1984: 1
Mocha: what?
handkerchief_waver_1984: Whas good w/ you?
Mocha: selling me short?
handkerchief_waver_1984: What you mean?
handkerchief_waver_1984: OH
handkerchief_waver_1984: Yeah
Mocha: ?
Mocha: so what do you mean?
handkerchief_waver_1984: I read ya profile N it just seemed like you were sellin yaself short
handkerchief_waver_1984: But that’s jus me tho
Mocha: in what way?
handkerchief_waver_1984: I don’t know…I just think you’re sellin yaself short…
handkerchief_waver_1984: You’re a beautiful black lady who would have a lot to offer
handkerchief_waver_1984: Don’t advertise you being bisexual and all of that…
handkerchief_waver_1984: That’s not attractive
Mocha: Excuse me?
handkerchief_waver_1984: That’s what your profile says
Mocha: So you think you can tell me what to do? Or how to behave?
Mocha: That that is something that you can even tell me?
Mocha: Interesting
handkerchief_waver_1984: I could HELP YOU make better choices…
Mocha: I don’t like being judged by people, especially people who don’t know me.
handkerchief_waver_1984: I’m NOT judging you
Mocha: And you can’t help me do anything
handkerchief_waver_1984: Ok well if that’s what you think
Mocha: I am going to go. You are not the sort of person I want to get to know. And I see that I am not the type that you want to get to know either. Good luck
handkerchief_waver_1984: LOL
handkerchief_waver_1984: FUCKIN NIGGER
handkerchief_waver_1984: Just like the rest of them
handkerchief_waver_1984: 1
Mocha: Sigh.. you aren’t even interesting in your ignorance and bigotry.

I was basicly impressed at the amount of bullshit that this person was attempting to shovel at me because they thought I could be easily controlled. Many a man has made that mistake. I am not easily controlled and I don’t want to be. I just want to live and let live, usually. But when met with stupidity I have to wonder. How do they maintain the needful amount of braincells to keep breathing? Wonders of wonders…

This will be minor Christianity bashing, so for all those who are sensitive to such blasphemous and heretical information should move onward. It is also going to be bashing women and men in general. This is a rant.

I have NEVER been ashamed of who and what I look like, or for that matter, who or what I am. Never. Not since I gained my woman’s form. I have always had attempts made, cheap shots and rude comments about how I am shaped no matter what size I was. It seems that men and women find it fascinating that a woman my current size can still have a waist. But that is neither here nor there… I want to talk about size, pompous posturing and porn.

But let us start with my big beef. I am tired of talking to people that hate themselves. That think that they are better than someone else or think that losing a few pounds will make them better people. That hate what they do as bad habits enough to hate it in others but do it themselves. I dislike smokers; I think it is a disgusting and useless habit. I feel that I can say that because I don’t smoke and never have and hopefully never will. I leave it open because you never know what might happen. But I don’t hate smokers who don’t share their second hand smoke with children. I don’t preach to smokers about their lungs. Because grown ass people will do what they will do regardless.

I listened to a friend of mine sit and pontificate (2: to speak or express opinions in a pompous or dogmatic way) about how people should be ashamed of their bodies when overweight or when displayed in any manner she decides is inappropriate, to me it shows how she is obviously ashamed of her own body. For years I have heard her just about cry about the state her body is in. I have also spent most of the time listening to her nearly nightly runs to Mickey D’s. She makes statements in broad, sweeping manner passing judgment on others and what they do and how they do it. Namely porn and sex are topics in easy reach of her diatribal ( 1 archaic : a prolonged discourse2 : a bitter and abusive speech or writing) spears, but being fat, being ashamed of being fat and being generally self righteous about all above topics doesn’t give her pause nor does she stop to think about exactly how she says what she says. Not that she never makes good points because she does, but the conversation have become so one sided as her side is the only side that gets voiced any more. The only thing she listens to now is what she says and how she says it for the blog that might *hopefully* become a book. Ok that was a cheap shot.

I just can’t see how someone who states that they wear their emotions on their sleeve doesn’t realize that when you say things and don’t contemplate how they are received that you are setting yourself up to be torn to pieces by anyone who listens or reads your words. I am not sure she is ready for the scrutiny that she will receive from people who think less about her and more about how many books they also sell in response to her own.

Now I am not Christian. I don’t pretend to be I don’t want to be but I know enough about the faith from the attempts to spoon fed me the doctrine by well meaning people. I know it isn’t something for me. I don’t relate to God(s)/Goddess(s)/Creative Force/Universe in conventional way. I am just now getting into the study of religion in its earliest forms to see if I feel anything that people say I should. *shrug* But I will be the first one to tell you that blind faith is a VERY bad thing. Believing in something to the extent that you stop thinking isn’t something I believed that God had in mind. If you use the analogy of children and that they grow up at some point. If that holds true then at some point in our development there should come a point where people can think for themselves. Now every child is different and needs different things but you don’t waste time and resources on a child that doesn’t need them. No good parent does anyway.

So what does that mean to me? That God is in everyone and everything. That God is what you need, when you need it. And that it isn’t a one size fits all solution to humanity’s woes but that it a customized solution to your own. Now I could be wrong and I have been before but this works for me. Oh and I am an Atheist moving toward … something. Who knows what?

Now please understand my position on porn and its place in our society. I believe that sex and the sales of sex in one form or another as a basic commodity is as important as the sugar and pork bellies futures on the market. But just like all business it has a very dirty side and it should be regulated, heavily. People are exploited everyday and they don’t have to work in porn to do that. This person that I am speaking about hates porn. She, along with myself, made money using our voices to soothe and entice men to whatever sexual end they saw fit. But I never EVER felt shame or regret for doing so. I have lied, cheated and stole for major corporations and have left feeling like I have laid down and let the customers, my managers and upper management bend me over and fuck me in the ass. I didn’t enjoy one moment of it. But when I do this work I log in and when I have had my fill, not when someone else decides, I log out. I am get up and leave it behind, completely. I don’t get jittery, I don’t dread the sound of my phone ringing, I just take the call and move on. I relish that and protect it.

So in summary, I dislike hypocrites. I detest the sanctimonious and I just think that a policy of live and let live is the best. I am not saying not to look out for evil in its vilest forms. But be pragmatic about what evil is. Be responsible for yourself and your own actions and stop blaming others for things that you should be fixing within yourself.

Mocha

Mainly about how to deal with me.. and this is for my friends and strangers. So if you are interested in how I am …. well this kinda lets you know.

you chose AY - your Enneagram type is EIGHT (aka “The Challenger”).

“I must be strong”

Asserters are direct, self-reliant, self-confident, and protective.

How to Get Along with Me

• Stand up for yourself… and me.
• Be confident, strong, and direct.
• Don’t gossip about me or betray my trust.
• Be vulnerable and share your feelings. See and acknowledge my tender, vulnerable side.
• Give me space to be alone.
• Acknowledge the contributions I make, but don’t flatter me.
• I often speak in an assertive way. Don’t automatically assume it’s a personal attack.
• When I scream, curse, and stomp around, try to remember that’s just the way I am.

What I Like About Being a EIGHT

• being independent and self-reliant
• being able to take charge and meet challenges head on
• being courageous, straightforward, and honest
• getting all the enjoyment I can out of life
• supporting, empowering, and protecting those close to me
• upholding just causes

What’s Hard About Being a EIGHT

• overwhelming people with my bluntness; scaring them away when I don’t intend to
• being restless and impatient with others’ incompetence
• sticking my neck out for people and receiving no appreciation for it
• never forgetting injuries or injustices
• putting too much pressure on myself
• getting high blood pressure when people don’t obey the rules or when things don’t go right

EIGHTs as Children Often

• are independent; have an inner strength and a fighting spirit
• are sometimes loners
• seize control so they won’t be controlled
• fugure out others’ weaknesses
• attack verbally or physically when provoked
• take charge in the family because they perceive themselves as the strongest, or grow up in difficult or abusive surroundings

EIGHTs as Parents

• are often loyal, caring, involved, and devoted
• are sometimes overprotective
• can be demanding, controlling, and rigid

Renee Baron & Elizabeth WageleThe Enneagram Made Easy
Discover the 9 Types of People
Harper SanFrancisco, 1994, 161 pages