Anti-Social

Sigh, you would think a person like me who loves sex, and the feel of being warmed by another’s body is really a social butterfly. Someone who moves really well amoung people. Someone who commands the attention of others and gets it. Sometimes that is true but on the inside, you would be pretty wrong.

I have anxiety about the wants and desires that motivate people and their response to me. Is it sex, is it companionship, is it some gross need that I wouldn’t, couldn’t bother with? I never really believe the compliment that most people give me, because I am wondering what they want for that little bit of niceness and if I would even be willing to give it to them.  Unless I call you my friend and I truely believe it, I don’t believe you.

I am not sure when I learned that people sometimes, and now that I have boobs and a nice ass more often than sometimes, will say things just to get you to do something that you otherwise wouldn’t consider.  Probaly in grade school when I was faced with being around others with motivations of thier own that didn’t have to make sense to be there working against me.  When I was a kid I never could figure out why anyone would be so interested in me when I wasn’t even thinking of them. The things that people could say for a rise, a hurt or some other negative experience.  Yeah I learned that all wasn’t as it seemed in grade school and it just got worse.

I guess it comes down to trust. And a lot of trust I don’t have, hell I don’t even trust my parents and certainly not any of my siblines. Why would I trust complete strangers? Well I did and I do have a few good friends to show for it and a couple of generally good exs too. But my confidence in a person can be totally shaken on if they are late to comming to get me when they said that they wanted to see me and then made arrangements to meet only to show up late.

I know a lot of it is because I have had a lot of emotional disappointment. I know I expect a whole lot or a very little bit from everyone, depending on how much I have invested in the person and situation. And I know that biggest chunk is that I really don’t want to feel my little tenderheart get bruised anymore because some person who just wasn’t paying attention carelessly hurt it. Yeah I am over sensitive and damn it I want to stay that way. I don’t want to emotionally numb myself because you are an insensitive, boorish, jackass who doesn’t know any better. Why should I?

I don’t date women anymore, mainly because they are a pain in the ass and generally not worth the effort or bullshit. I don’t really meet many men because they can’t tell a sure thing if they got their dick jammed into it. I don’t really go out as often as I like because the character of the places I used to go to have changed so much. I know I am limiting myself. And honestly I am trying to do better… but I am scared and I don’t want to feel the annoyance, the disappointment or the hurt that I have a feeling is waiting for me. Just call it a hunch, but my faith in human kindness and consideration is really eroding.

Mocha.

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