Damn me and my big fat mouth…er fingers

Ok, I am happy. I am with someone who fits me better. Who is ambitious, who is better in tune with me as a person. Why do I miss my husband? Because I made vows to him…that mean something to me still. Funny that.  I miss him because he made me feel so completely loved more loved than I have ever felt before or since. Because his smile was the reason I woke up in the morning and trying to describe the blue of his eyes was a mission that I have yet to compete. His voice was the voice that melted my heart when I heard it, every time I heard it . Because I never thought I could love anyone so completely, so much because I would get in a bar fight for him, with him or about him. Because I would drive a scooter with a bike strapped to it to keep him from having to ride the bus home. For over 6 years his heart beat was the bass line to my life. We didn’t really mesh as well as we hoped but it was wonderful.  I wanted babies with him but was too scared to carry them, wasn’t sure I could. ( there I said it) I left because I couldn’t find a way to get him to keep me.( god help me I thought about it. And I felt like a coward because I didn’t try harder)  I fucked up with him because he broke my heart when I realized that he didn’t really want what I wanted and I couldn’t figure out what he wanted only to figure out later that all he wanted was what he had.

But it is over now. And I guess the person I can’t forgive is myself. I forgave him ages ago and I wanted to move on. But it is true when trust is gone… so goes the love. I miss him, I love him and I can’t have him… Yeah I am angry, at me for letting him leave so easy… at me for moving on so readily. I am scared that the one I am with would leave me so devastated as the one I left because I couldn’t stay. Do you hear me !!  I love you still, I will probably always love you and I don’t want that to change. sigh. no I don’t want that to change.

But…I think one of the things that breaks my heart a little more everyday is that I don’t talk to him. We aren’t friends, I thought we started as friends over the phone talking. And that really hurts, having spent so much time loving him with all I had. But I don’t know what to say to him. I was wrong on my end, really wrong.  I should have done so many things different. But I didn’t. I have a hard time forgiving myself… I FUCKED UP.  I fucked up something good.

I wonder if I even deserve love again, funny huh. I look at my new beau and wonder why he is here. He knows, probably better than I did till now how bad I fucked up. He knows how I feel about the Ex. Hell I can’t look at a cyclist with out wondering what he is doing and the new one loves me anyway. Hell if it weren’t for Great friends, a Great Ex and the new one I wouldn’t have a pot to piss in. I am luckier than deserve and I am grateful.

Mocha

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