Hell is where the Heart is…

I guess I should tell y’all a little more about myself before I really get into what has happened today. I, as far as most of my family are concerned, am a rebel. But I was born to rebels who left their families to have each other. When the time came for me to decide to be married, I did the same. I left my father and my sisters. Six months after my mother died. A month after her dog went to join her. And it was because of a few basic principles. 1. That I was grown and would do what I damn well pleased and won’t be told who to fuck or marry, not even if he is white. 2. Because I wasn’t my sister’s mother and wouldn’t pretend to be, I would not raise them. 3. Because they were driving me crazy and to this day can’t understand that basic truth. 4. I had just given everything I had emotionally to the only person at the time that I thought deserved it and I had NOTHING else to give, not even to myself for a long time.

Ok so you got a basic Idea.

So for the last 10 or so years since my mother passed away I have basicly been on my own with my man or husband. Making my own damn way and not asking, taking or suggesting any help from anyone that I couldn’t repay the kindness back to. My father disowned me and I left the house with the clothes on my back, literally. And other than a few mishaps of meeting, a graduation, a wedding (not mine) and some other general bullshit I have been living a fairly stress free life…without them. Because to be without them is to be free.

Sigh ok. My cousin is in the hospital with kidney failure and all manner of injuries because he was beat up pretty badly. My sisters are disasters and have basicly sucked my father dry. My father… has issues that span decades, no I won’t be more specific than that.  And my stepmother, who I call my mother in law, is trying to recover from a bad knee job and not getting enough help because honestly emotionally my daddy doesn’t have it to give. I could help a little, with what I can. But…

i am afraid. i don’t want to get sucked in to that brand of misery, self loathing and general depression that comes from dealing with them, any of them. i know they are my flesh and blood but to be around them… i can’t be myself. i can’t be me. i have to be some socially acceptible robot that can sluff off insults, bullshit and … well you get the point.

Something else I realized… I hate my sisters. And not just a little bit. I am disappointed in them as human beings. I wonder if I am cutting the relative strangers from my life that contribute nothing to it because I won’t have room for them when I get sucked in…

It’s a theory.

To Hell and back again,

Mocha.

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