it is only a fucking car…

It’s only a fucking car right? My karmman ghia is becoming a symbol of my general lost of control in my life. For example. I woke up today to my bf talking about what we would do with the car next, he was cleaning out the garage to make room for it. Make room for it? Instead of just thinking about it my flash point was set off. “I don’t want the car in the god damn garage” was my knee jerk reaction.

See some people see cars as a way of life, other see cars as a need and not a luxury. I see them as money eating, pits of dispair and I personally want no part in the lifestyle, the machine or the process of owning a car. I hate my Karmann. This thing has eaten more of my time, my money and my emotional well being than any inanimate object has. I feel like if I sell it before finishing it that I have not just wasted money, which I could live with, but I waisted time and emotional capital. Some would say I was over reacting. Some would say I just need a little something to get around in till I could finish it. Others would tell me to dump the money pit and be done, that I gave it a good try but because of my situation I shouldn’t expect to be able to do this by myself.

All I want is to get around without people helping me. I don’t want to be trapped here anymore. And I keep feeling like no one around me understands that my sense of self and my self esteem is in the toilet because of how I precieve my situation. I feel like no one really cares to hear me bitch, so I try not to… I don’t suffer in silence but I try to disengage myself from life if I am not ‘socially acceptible’. I feel ignored because no one knows how to deal with me.

Isolated,

Mocha.

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