So what if you call me fat…

So what indeed.  I have always at the least been that little antisocial chubby girl that people took turns talking about in school. That was until I was the first girl that had boobs and then only the girls in my class seemed to think I was too fat. The boys on the other hand seemed to forget I had a head.

Moving on to High School when the other girls caught up with me in sexual development, though not always in maturity I was happily thick. Short, just round enough, more t and a than a little bit, I looked like an over developed cupie doll. I was cute and I knew it. I never however thought I was model fine but I liked my body at 180lbs.  Yes 180, 38dd-28-43, a size 14, 5ft5 inches tall, mocha brown and a bad attitude.  But I never felt fat, I could lift as much as any dude on the JV football team. I know, I used to train with them. I was strong, fast, I was on the track team. And I felt like I owned the world. Sure I wanted to lose about another 30lbs, but that was just so that I would weigh less than my other sister. Not because I felt I needed it. I was comfortable.

I have recently been going over those measurements in my mind, almost to the point of obsession. Thinking about how I feel about being that size (good) versus how I feel about being so far from that right now (bad). I am at a point on the scale where I don’t move so well, my knees hurt, my back hurts more often, and my digestion isn’t what it could be to the point that it wakes me in the night with severe pain. That isn’t healthy.

Now my doctor, strangers and others would tell me that a goal of 180lbs is still too heavy. I think they are full of shit. If I am happy, comfortable and reasonably healthy then I think they should back off. Every woman isn’t built to be 98-125lbs. Some of us don’t ever want to be that small, really. And there are those who are comfy at 210, 240 and more. I am not comfortable being that big either. I want to get into my size 14, I want to be just luscious, a perfect (in my mind) hourglass and be strong and still feel the urge to run where I want to go.

So what does this mean. Does it mean that I will be even better at taking my suppliments on time, going to the gym after work, eating as best as I can till I get my budget together and then get a good nights rest. In other words, keep my promise to myself.

Feeling Chunky,

Mocha.

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