Sorry about the pic, but really what else would the censors let me put up.

Anyway. Today’s lecture is about suicide. Personally, I have been, a couple of times, at a point where the thought did more than cross my mind. Before it had, I thought it to be the single most selfish act a person could commit on themself and everyone they know, and to be honest I still do.

Why is that you ask… because the act of taking your life, isn’t just something that affects you. It is something that everyone you know is going to ask themselves about, wonder if they missed the signs, wonder if they could have done anything to save you. Not that they could have… but most will have those thoughts come across their mind at least once. It becames an act of shared desolation.

Not that no one has ever been desolate, desperate, or deprived of the things they need, Health, Happiness, Sanity, Love. When I lost my love, the one I was sure was my true love. I was alone in my little rat hole apartment, rent was due and I didn’t have it. Couldn’t keep a job because I was an emotional train wreck. I was close to doing things for money that I had never considered before… and now that I have considered them I can’t and would never again laugh at someone brave and desperate enough to do it. I thought that I might kill myself. Thought about it really hard, how I would put my things in order, how I would clean my apartment, go in the bathroom and off myself. I obviously didn’t. But I did seriously consider it.

What I found out about suicide was that it is also an act of last hope. The very last hope. That maybe if I leave here where ever I go next would be better… Not that anyone really knows. Yeah, yeah there are some of you that say you do. But in my mind you can’t know a thing if you haven’t seen it or can’t remember seeing it.

Why did I bring this up… oh someone killed themself over the loss of love I would suppose and it got me to thinking. Because I once lived in fear that my love would off himself and what that made me feel like. It made me feel like I wasn’t worth loving. I don’t ever want to feel like that, I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.. but I can see where the thought could entice… hell could even be a good idea in terminal situations. But for me, while I am young, mainly healthy and mostly sane I think I will hang out a while.

On a lighter note. I lost 5 lbs. šŸ˜€ Death to fat cells. LOL


P.S. It truely is better to love and loss than to have never loved at all. But to really love you have to be brave enough to know that nothing that good can last forever… but it can be the best few moments of your existance. M.


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