Feeling like I am lost with out him…

No rant for me today. Just that feeling that I have really fucked myself again. I was writing and cooking in my kitchen today. I looked around and started crying. Now it didn’t help that Etta James was crooning “At Last” over and over. I started to think about true love. Not just lust or infatuation but the kind of love that hope and the feeling of home springs from. The kind of love that you read about. The kind of love that lasts after the death of the one loved. The kind that doesn’t seem to dwindle after time even when the one you loved and wronged has banished you from paradise.

Yeah that is how I am feeling. I am in hell because the one who is the god of my heart has turned from me. I can feel the despair in my heart that can only be filled with the one who would no longer have me. It would be better if I felt that my banishment wasn’t justified. That I was cast aside wrongly. But I wasn’t… I was just as wrong as any young wife could have been in that situation. I was young, angry and hurt and wanted to lash out. And lash out I did.

I guess I thought that I loved him and he loved me so much that he would forgive me anything. And I was wrong but what.. 3 years later I am sitting here crying and pining for something that was so beautiful to me. The feeling of true security and home. My home is gone and I am alone in this land.

I feel like Gretal in the Black Forest, the wolves are coming and Hans is with that witch in the house. I just hope that one day my Hans can look me in the eye and say what I have been aching to hear again.

Yeah, hope does spring eternal,

Mocha.

P.S. mayhaps it is even time for a new tale… Who would be my knight now? *Shrugs